Teacher: "What is the climate of New Zealand?"
Jimmy: "Very cold, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong."
Jimmy: "But, Sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen."

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Sarah: "Let's play school!"
Kelly: "O.K. But let's play I'm absent."

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"I say, waiter, this soup tastes funny!"
"So why don't you laugh?"

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"I don't want you using those bad words any more."
"But, Mother, Shakespeare uses then."
"Well, don't play with him again."

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Patient: "Doctor, my family thinks I'm mad."
Doctor: "Why?"
Patient: "Because I like sausages."
Doctor: "Nonsense, I like sausages too."
Patient: "You do? You must come round and see my collection. I have hundreds."

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Angry teacher: "Why are you so late?"
Lazy pupil: "Well, I saw the sign in the street that said "School ahead - go slow"!"

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"Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven" said the teacher.
Everyone put their hands up except Jimmy.
"Don't you want to go to Heaven, Jimmy?"
"I can't Miss," said Jimmy. "My mum told me to come straight home."

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"Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup."
"Yes, sir, it's the heat that kills them."

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Waiter, this plate is wet.
That's your soup, sir.

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How old are you?
Thirty-three, but I don't look it, do I?
No, but you used to.

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Teacher: Did your sister help you with your homework?
Student: No, she did all of it.

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Teacher: What is HNO₃?
Student: Just a minute. It's on the tip of my tongue.
Teacher: Well, in that case, spit it out fast. It's nitric acid.

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Mum, I'm going to buy you a nice teapot for your birthday.
But I've already got one.
No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.