Passenger: I'd like this bag to go to London, this one to Paris and this one to Rome.
Clerk: I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.
Passenger: Rubbish! That's what you did the last time I flew with your airline.

---

Passenger: Taxi driver, how much to the station?
Taxi driver: Ten pounds, sir.
Passenger: And how much for my suitcase?
Taxi driver: Nothing, sir.
Passenger: Good. Take my suitcase to the station and I'll walk.

---

A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach.
"Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it"
Shortly afterwards Dad came in from his office, complaining of a headache.
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."

---

"Julia, this report is most disappointing. I promised you a bicycle if you passed your exams. What have you been doing with yourself?"
"Learning to ride a bike."

---

Why is an elephant large, grey, hairy and wrinkled?
Because if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin.

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Teacher: "If I take a potato and divide it into two equal parts, and divide it again into four equal parts, what would I have?"
Student: "Chips?"

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Teacher: "You can't sleep in class."
Girl: "No, but if you didn't talk so loudly I could."

---

Why do doctors and nurses wear masks?
So that if someone makes a mistake, no one will know who did it!

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Robbie: "I've got a problem, Dad. My teacher said I must write more clearly."
Dad: "Well, that's all right, son. I'm sure you can do it if you try."
Robbie: "Yes, but if I write more clearly, she'll find out I can't spell."

---

Mother hen was very angry with her children for being naughty.
"You bad children," she said, "if your father could hear you he'd turn over in his gravy."

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Teacher: "If I had fifty apples in one hand and sixty in the other, what would I have?"
Pupil: "Extremely big hands, Miss!"

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Teacher: "Angie, if your father earned £500 a week and gave your mother half, what would she have?"
Angie: "A heart attack."

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"This parrot is very clever. If you pull his right leg he sings, and if you pull his left leg, he whistles."
"And what happens if you pull both legs?"
"I fall off my perch," said the parrot.

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Two birds were sitting on a tree not far from an airport. Suddenly a jet plane roared the sky close them.
"Gosh, look at that!" said one.
"I bet you'd go fast if your tail was on fire," said the other.